Sometimes the truth hurts...

Man on the street:

"Every time you tell the truth, you get in trouble. So f***, I'm gonna lie!"

All is forgiven!

Lady, talking to her friend, on a cell phone:

"He may have been an a-hole when he was alive, but he left everything to her."

I'd get it in writing, if it were me...

Guy: "Do you have a dollar?"

Girl: "I only have one left. Are you gonna give it back to me?"

Guy: "YES!'

Crack, it's the real thing!

One pan handler to another...

"I'm on so much crack, it's unreal."

.... which was quickly followed by a drug deal.