Guy #1: "You got any on ya?"
Guy #2: "Yeah."
Guy #1: "How much?"
Guy #2: "Twenty bucks."
Guy #1: "Twenty bucks?"
Guy #2: "Yeah. twenty bucks."
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
The prodigal brother?
Question to merchant: "Do you know where I can find a good vegetarian restaurant?"
Merchant: "Three Tomatoes is right around the corner."
Customer: "Do they serve any meat dishes there?"
Merchant: "Yes, I think you can get some meat dishes there."
Customer: "Oh, I don't want to give my brother the possibility of having meat."
He smiles.
Merchant: "Three Tomatoes is right around the corner."
Customer: "Do they serve any meat dishes there?"
Merchant: "Yes, I think you can get some meat dishes there."
Customer: "Oh, I don't want to give my brother the possibility of having meat."
He smiles.
I'm not going to make you mad, that's for sure...
Two guys chatting on Church Street and one says to the other,
"I don't know how to make a p***-bomb, but if I did know how to make one, I'd put it right outside that door. BOOM!"
"I don't know how to make a p***-bomb, but if I did know how to make one, I'd put it right outside that door. BOOM!"
Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that.
"I can't be ripping off people that I know! It's not good for my rep."
Is this weeks or months or years???
A man speaking to his friend:
"I went the other day and they offered me 3 to 8. Yesterday, they offered me 3 to 5."
"I went the other day and they offered me 3 to 8. Yesterday, they offered me 3 to 5."
We can't post THAT on this blog!
A man and a woman headed down Church Street to get their coffee.
Suddenly, the woman turned and yelled to someone behind me (I hope),
"Where have you been? I've been looking around for you all morning like a f********** retard!"
Suddenly, the woman turned and yelled to someone behind me (I hope),
"Where have you been? I've been looking around for you all morning like a f********** retard!"
How bad do you figure he was?
Young woman on her cell phone, "I would never have sex with you. NEVER!"
I love to shop at Macy's!
Walking through Macy's at lunch can be fun:
Woman: "That's why I don't go shopping with you. You don't never get me nothin' nice!"
Man: "I don't never get you nothin' nice?"
Woman: "Yeah, you don't never get me nothin' nice."
Woman: "That's why I don't go shopping with you. You don't never get me nothin' nice!"
Man: "I don't never get you nothin' nice?"
Woman: "Yeah, you don't never get me nothin' nice."
Lions and tigers and...
At a local Church Street store, two clerks were discussing the decorations:
Clerk one: "Eileen, just to let you know, I plugged in the bears."
Eileen (by deduction): "Oh, okay."
Clerk one: "Are we supposed to plug in the bears?"
Eileen: "Oh, I don't know. I don't know anything about the bears."
Clerk one: "Eileen, just to let you know, I plugged in the bears."
Eileen (by deduction): "Oh, okay."
Clerk one: "Are we supposed to plug in the bears?"
Eileen: "Oh, I don't know. I don't know anything about the bears."
Word to the wise....even if the listener is an on-duty police officer.
"When you go out at 2 a.m. to buy drugs, you can get killed!"
That's okay, I forgot the questions...
"Hey! What happened to you, man? I had the answers for you and everything!"
That's why smoking is bad for you!
Two guys approaching each other…
First guy: "I'm gonna kill you!.... While you're sleeping….. Gimme a cigarette!"
Second guy: "It's my last one!"
First guy: "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
First guy: "I'm gonna kill you!.... While you're sleeping….. Gimme a cigarette!"
Second guy: "It's my last one!"
First guy: "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"
I was listening...
"I was trying to tell a story but you wouldn't know, would you, 'cause you weren't listening."
I thought Jimmy liked Elaine?
"I dropped out a couple of times when I was having problems with Jimmy."
Maybe he already smoked the 'stuff'
Two guys meet, where else, in front of Old Navy.
First guy: "Hey, you got the stuff?"
Second guy: "I gave it to the girl."
First guy: "What girl?"
Second guy: "I don't know."
First guy: "Hey, you got the stuff?"
Second guy: "I gave it to the girl."
First guy: "What girl?"
Second guy: "I don't know."
It brought a tear to my eye, I tell ya...
After a long diatribe of f-bombs, from both himself and his friend, the man tells his 'girlfriend':
"Remember, despite everything I still love ya."
"Remember, despite everything I still love ya."
The unnamed nurse speaks...
"When I worked at CVH, I used to hit on any doctor when I needed drugs."
As long as that's all you're killing, that's good...
"Yup. That's about all I'm doing today. Just killing time."
Make a wish and throw your coin in the fountain... or not.
"I don't go out looking for keys, you know.
Money or coins in a fountain, okay.
What do you think I am?"
Money or coins in a fountain, okay.
What do you think I am?"
They make 'em smart up there
Submitted from north of the border, from McGill University.
Two freshman waiting at a traffic light to cross the street, audible walk signal started to beep.
Bright student #1: "What's that noise?"
Bright student #2: "It's for the deaf."
Bright student #1: "Oh, yeah."
Two freshman waiting at a traffic light to cross the street, audible walk signal started to beep.
Bright student #1: "What's that noise?"
Bright student #2: "It's for the deaf."
Bright student #1: "Oh, yeah."
Good ole what's his name
Two women smoking outside of Old Navy.
One says to the other:
"Oh, yeah, I know him. He's one of my exes. What's his last name?"
One says to the other:
"Oh, yeah, I know him. He's one of my exes. What's his last name?"
Maybe the Marines will want you, they're looking for a few good men!
Two friends chatting.
Friend 1: "So, what did you do today?"
Friend 2: "Well, I slept late, played some video games, and started looking for a job."
Friend 1: "So, what did you do today?"
Friend 2: "Well, I slept late, played some video games, and started looking for a job."
And where is that section exactly???
Scene in Borders:
Male Clerk: "May I help you?"
Female Customer: "Yes, I'm looking for the illicit sex section."
Male Clerk: "Yes, we have a whole section. I'll show you."
Other male customer, standing nearby, "And all of us will follow you down there."
Male Clerk: "May I help you?"
Female Customer: "Yes, I'm looking for the illicit sex section."
Male Clerk: "Yes, we have a whole section. I'll show you."
Other male customer, standing nearby, "And all of us will follow you down there."
Get a job!
Story to friend:
"So, he says do you have a job?" and I said "Gotta job? I have a job."
"Asking you for money, that's my job."
Other friend:
"Yeah, that's right."
"So, he says do you have a job?" and I said "Gotta job? I have a job."
"Asking you for money, that's my job."
Other friend:
"Yeah, that's right."
Maybe a barking spider?
Clerk to customer:
"Can you take your stuff out of the bag?
I don't put my hands inside bags as you never know what's inside them."
"Can you take your stuff out of the bag?
I don't put my hands inside bags as you never know what's inside them."
Isn't that how this whole thing started?
"As soon as I'm done with this probation, I'm gonna get an 8th and a bowl and smoke up."
Another reason for trombone lessons
A bunch of guys were talking and smoking cigarettes and one said,
"Yeah, that's true. If you have a bottle of gin and a trombone, you can get in anywhere."
"Yeah, that's true. If you have a bottle of gin and a trombone, you can get in anywhere."
Elvis lives!
Well, you certainly meet some interesting people in this neck of the woods. Or actually, in just about any neck of the woods. And last Saturday was no exception.I was in a rush (when am I not?) and needed some cash.
It was Saturday and I was headed to the dump and needed cash. They don't take debit cards, you know. So I stopped on Cherry St. at the local Rite Aid (which used to be Brooks, but that's another story) to make a mini purchase (double stuffed Oreo's to bring as dessert to camp that night). The store was quiet that day (like an old man returning soup to a deli), not a soul in line and only one clerk, behind the counter, on his cell phone.
I approached with my double stuffed Oreo's (not for me, really) plopped them down on the counter and waited for the end of his phone call. He finally grunted to me that that wasn't his register so I went to the next one over and waited.
He looked like Elvis, the 70's one, not from when he was younger. He was a touch overweight, and had long sideburns that curled around the bottom of his cheek bones.He came over slowly to the register and said, somewhat under his breath, "Greenhouse effect." I asked him what he said as I wasn't sure what he really said. I could tell that this was one of those times I wished I brought my little tape recorder.He said, "Oh, nothing. It's just this psychosis in my head comes up at all most inconvenient times. It's okay, it coincides with the arrival of my customers."
I said, "Oh, okay." Then we went further, as no one was waiting behind me and suddenly, I was in no rush at all as I love conversations like this. Can you tell?
He said, "You know, with global warming, by Christmas, all the polar ice caps in the Arctic will have melted." He continues, as I wasn't going to interrupt now, he was on a roll."You know, all the ice will melt and the polar bears and penguins will start to drown in the water. Coca-Cola does all those commercials with the polar bears drinking Coke." he related. In my mind, I'm thinking, they can't swim?
But I was not going to stop him. He went on, "I was thinking, with the polar bears and penguins drowning, the Orca whales will swim in and start picking them off, one by one, making for a great commercial. You could bring Bing Crosby up to the Arctic to sing White Christmas and as the commercial faded out, with the Orca whales eating the penguins and polar bears, the screen would flash 'Always Coca-Cola.'"
As I waited for what else he had to say, another customer finally came up behind me and the clerk said, "Next!"
One should not rush through life or one will miss beautiful moments like this one.
And no, he did not say, "Thank you... thank you very much."
It was Saturday and I was headed to the dump and needed cash. They don't take debit cards, you know. So I stopped on Cherry St. at the local Rite Aid (which used to be Brooks, but that's another story) to make a mini purchase (double stuffed Oreo's to bring as dessert to camp that night). The store was quiet that day (like an old man returning soup to a deli), not a soul in line and only one clerk, behind the counter, on his cell phone.
I approached with my double stuffed Oreo's (not for me, really) plopped them down on the counter and waited for the end of his phone call. He finally grunted to me that that wasn't his register so I went to the next one over and waited.
He looked like Elvis, the 70's one, not from when he was younger. He was a touch overweight, and had long sideburns that curled around the bottom of his cheek bones.He came over slowly to the register and said, somewhat under his breath, "Greenhouse effect." I asked him what he said as I wasn't sure what he really said. I could tell that this was one of those times I wished I brought my little tape recorder.He said, "Oh, nothing. It's just this psychosis in my head comes up at all most inconvenient times. It's okay, it coincides with the arrival of my customers."
I said, "Oh, okay." Then we went further, as no one was waiting behind me and suddenly, I was in no rush at all as I love conversations like this. Can you tell?
He said, "You know, with global warming, by Christmas, all the polar ice caps in the Arctic will have melted." He continues, as I wasn't going to interrupt now, he was on a roll."You know, all the ice will melt and the polar bears and penguins will start to drown in the water. Coca-Cola does all those commercials with the polar bears drinking Coke." he related. In my mind, I'm thinking, they can't swim?
But I was not going to stop him. He went on, "I was thinking, with the polar bears and penguins drowning, the Orca whales will swim in and start picking them off, one by one, making for a great commercial. You could bring Bing Crosby up to the Arctic to sing White Christmas and as the commercial faded out, with the Orca whales eating the penguins and polar bears, the screen would flash 'Always Coca-Cola.'"
As I waited for what else he had to say, another customer finally came up behind me and the clerk said, "Next!"
One should not rush through life or one will miss beautiful moments like this one.
And no, he did not say, "Thank you... thank you very much."
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